Again... Emo...

Haiz... Emo again...
Non-stop emoing for five days straight...
I know I shouldn't but I couldn't help it...
Haiz...
I've tried everything... And maybe... Perhaps... Blogging can make me feel better?

From Thursday till today...
I know I'm stupid for emoing this long...
And... I know it's not (really) his fault but... The feelings is there... That stupid, stupid feeling is there....
I'm sad... Disappointed... I feel devastated... And I think I'm going crazy...
Don't know why I'm so dumb, can't think things straight... Haiz...

I know that communication is very important in a relationship...
MJ told me that I should tell him directly what I want and that guys are stupid especially him... So need to tell word by word and not to surrender that easily...
The thing is...
I've told him everything... And... He apologised and promise he'll do better...
But somehow... It feels... That... He won't change that easily...

Haiz...
We hardly spend time together...
We hardly talk to each other physically...
And... I always feel that... I'm the only one that keep on trying and trying...
Haiz... But... I'm at my limit...
I don't felt... Loved... Only... Pain and loneliness...
I feel really terrible right now...
I can't see why I love him anymore... My eyes are now covered with only tears...



Perhaps... My expectations are just too high...
Haiz... He will never love me the way I love him..?
It sucks to be the one who gives more than the one who receives more...
He'll never put me first in his heart...
He'll never think of my feelings first...
He'll just go with the flow...

Haiz... Yea.. Yea.. I know... I know...
This ain't his fault...
I'm the one who is being hyper sensitive here...
And...
What I'm saying now is like repeating what I've said before... Like a broken music player keeps repeating the same note...
Haiz... Something is definitely wrong with me....

Haiz... Broken people cannot be with broken people... It's just not meant to be..?
Haiz... The longer it is, the more I get disappointed...
I know... I'm the one that's being greedy and selfish...
My heart just won't accept it no matter how many times I try to consult it...
I just don't know how to cheer myself up... I mean... After continuation of disappointment for four days straight... Haiz...

What do I want?
I want him to know how to take care of me...
Just that would be good...
But that's like the most impossible thing. Because he was barely there. Only here with cold digital words...

What is my problem?
I don't know how to stop my pessimism...
I don't know how to handle disappointment or rejection...
I really think too much...
I can't fix myself... And...
I don't trust him about him loving me. I tried but I just can't convinced myself.

I know I'm a terrible gf for...
Not trusting my bf...
Always emoing...
Being annoying...
Being unreasonable...
Being a burden...
Being troublesome...

Haiz... I feel like giving up...
I just don't want to continue feeling like this anymore...

Actually the more I talk... The more I know I'm being nonsense...

Haiz... Just don't mind me...
I am done expressing... >_<