A worthy night

I'm stupid... I'm really stupid...
Now... Every of my soul is screaming...
Choking... Suffocating me...
A lot to write but don't know where to start...
My heart ache... I'm feeling lost... Actually I'm feeling more than that... I just don't know how to express those restlest feelings with mere words...

"Now"... How long is a "now"?
Surely... It ain't forever...
But she will remain as eternity...
So how could I stay with a guy which already got someting irreplaceable?
It's like waiting to get dump... Waiting for my heart to break... Waiting for my death...

I keep thinking and thinking...
Should I spend my days emoing? To keep worrying?
Should I also celebrate my birthday knowing the sad truth behind it?
Sometimes... I Do curse me birthdate...

Surely... This is NOT a mistake done by him...
It's a choice... Knowing the consequences...
And now... After getting the confirmation I needed... I too should make one...

Funny... Why do I keep getting 2nd place in whatever it is...
Haiz...
No matter how hard I tried...
No matter how much I have sacrificed...
Whenever... Wherever... I remain as miserable...

Why am I so pitiful?
God...Now I know it was a grave mistake for my heart to beat for him since that very 1st day...

God...
If possible... I want to tell the 'past me' that.... Falling in love can be dreadful... And is ISN'T as enjoyable as reading romance stories...
Yea... Of course it's sweet...
I can say that it was the sweetest feeling I have ever felt so far... No honey in the world can be compared with that sweetness within the happiness...
However... The pain was also vey much UNBEARABLE.... Which No word can describe the pain...

God... What should I do?
I don't want to end up like my mum....
I don't want to end up like her either...
I... Am really clueless... And... Useless as well...

God...
Why am I born idiot?
A noob in logical critical thinking...
Haiz...
How I wish there will be a person...A person who will just beat me up to my senses real quick...