What Do I think Today

What do I think today? Well loneliness is not a disease. That's indeed true. For me, it's what give me strength but at the same time it's the most painful thing in my life. 

My friends do wonder why I'm desperately finding a boyfriend. They think single is the best, not to be bother by the boys and just live as they pleased.This statement only can be used to those who felt love in their life before which is the totally opposite of me.

To tell you the truth, I don't think I felt that kind of love before. As in, not from certain specific guy or not even from my parents. I want a boyfriend so that I know what it is feels like to be loved and cared by someone whom we are equally love to. 

I thought I could sacrifice everything for my family. I could live for them so that one day they could smile at me and said that they are are proud of me as their daughter but... Everything ends. It just ended. Now, I'm stuck. Don't know how to move on with my life. The foundation that's have always support me just crumbled within that second. Since then, I've live like a living corpse. Or perhaps like a marionette. 

Since never be loved, I don't know how to love. I thought I could change if I wish hard for it. I thought miracle will come. I thought I could reach for the light if I'm fast enough. But.... This is reality. This is not fantasy. Not a fairytale. "Happily ever after" does not happen here. So what have I been chasing? The more I hope for, the harder I fall. I want to give up my life. I tried to suicide but then I realised that I'm just a coward. I don't even have the courage to ended my own life. I don't have enough strength to pull that trigger. I hate myself even more. I despise myself. I couldn't even look at myself in the photo. I felt disgust just by taking a glance of myself. 

That is why I thought by having a person to love me would replace that loneliness. So... The question is... Who is that person? And... How long does it takes to wait for this person?

God Help